Do you only attract unavailable partners?

Are you attracting unavailable men into your life? Are you single, yearning for a relationship and all you get are men with girlfriends, wives or those who live in a different country?

You want to be in relationship with a good man who can be there for you and who can love you and open you to love more fully than you can open yourself. But you find yourself attracting men who aren’t available in one form of another. Why is this? What’s going on?

It’s easy to go from this place of not being met to a victim place. Why can’t I attract the right people? Why does everyone else have a partner & not me? Why are these men behaving like this around me?

When we’re in this victim place, it a place of dis-empowerment; things happen TO us, we don’t have any say in them. We can feel rootless, ungrounded, pushed about by the ebb & flow of the vagaries of the universe.

The first thing to do is to reclaim your power. And the way to do this is to re-claim your projection. The painful truth is that YOU are giving out something which is attracting this type of man into your life. If you were giving out something different, you’d be attracting different types of men – the men you REALLY want to attract. But you’re not; you’re attracting unavailable men or men who can’t commit to you. And so you deny yourself the experience of surrendering to love in its fullest potential.

And here’s the most painful part: what you’re seeing in these men you attract is a projected part of your own self!

Many spiritual traditions tell us the material universe is Maya, illusion. In some sense it is. My belief, within tantra, is that all this “stuff” around us is very real. But that we create it ourselves. In a very meaningful way, we are all gods and goddesses within our own universe. The mind is a projector, a film camera. The universe is our projection screen and our DNA is the film can which records the experience.

So, onto the projection screen of life we project all manner of things. One of the things we project is ourselves – onto other people. As the Talmud says “we do not see the world as it is. We see the world as we are”. When we encounter others, it is very useful and insightful (though often painful) to look at the other and ask ourselves – what part of myself do I see in you? Or make the statement in your mind “When I look at you I see my own… (anger/fear/love/divinity/rage, etc., etc.)”. Just complete as appropriate.

Once we begin to reclaim our projections we also begin to reclaim our power. As long as I hold the belief that “things just happen to me” or “only a certain type of person is attracted to me”, I have no power over events. As soon as I reclaim my projection and realise that it is I who am attracting these people, I have the power to chose who I want to attract into my life. I can change my behaviour to meet my deeper needs.

So, if you are attracting unavailable men into your life, or if you attract men who aren’t willing to commit to loving you fully, don’t look at them and ask “What’s wrong with them?” Look to yourself and ask yourself “What part of ME is unavailable for a relationship? What part of myself doesn’t want to commit?”

When you dive deeper into these questions, you can find surprising answers. It is likely that you have experienced rejection before and your mind and body have learnt that you can not trust the other. Often this belief system is laid down in childhood with our relationship with our parents. And so the mind and body learns to shut itself off from love. We unconsciously give off signals that indicate that we are not available for love and in doing so we attract only those who are equally unavailable or unwilling to commit to open their hearts in the fullness that you so long for.

This type of self examination is not easy. It takes great courage to look deep inside and to reclaim what we most want to deny. But the rewards are huge. They are no less than being met in the deepest need of your whole being: to allow yourself to be truly opened by love and to be met in union and celebration of the sacred masculine and sacred feminine with another.

Attracting unavailable partners: part 2

Are you surrounded by male friends but wondering why you haven’t met the lover you hunger for?

You are very comfortable in the company of men, perhaps even more at ease with men than with women. You have plenty of male friends, some of whom you love deeply and have a deep connection with. You can be relaxed and playful with them, you can share intimate thoughts, feelings and secrets with them, but you’d never sleep with your friends. You are not hanging out with them because you go to football with them or get drunk either. You simply enjoy being around them; you understand men and feel at ease in their company.

And yet despite being surrounded by these men, you don’t have a boyfriend and certainly not the mature masculine lover that your heart is longing to be met by. So, if you’re so relaxed and yourself around men, why on earth not?

Well, the answer is simple. If you surround yourself with men with whom you have no intention of sleeping a couple of things happen. Firstly you may give off signals to some other available men that you already have enough men in your life and this may put them off. But a man in his masculine will not be deterred by this.

So there is another reason. Ask yourself why you choose to surround yourself with men you choose not to sleep with.

The sacred feminine wants to be seen by the sacred masculine. In being in the company of men you are partly fulfilling that deeply felt need. You can get your need for the masculine met in a very undemanding and unthreatening way. You can enjoy the benefits of the masculine at a distance as it were. You can have a taste of the essence of masculine without actually needing to engage with it more fully.

David Deida makes a great observation about this. He says (and I paraphrase mildly) “imagine that your most perfect lover has just spent hours making love to you. He’s opened you up more than you can open yourself, he’s ravished you until you melt, he has exposed your heart, every cell in your body feels pummelled, alive, tenderised to infinity, he’s opened you to beyond that, light shining through you and he’s relentless in his loving you for hours and hours……..” And now imagine that your platonic male friend comes round for supper. How attractive is he in that moment??

And because when you’re with your platonic male friends you prepare yourself, in effect you train yourself, to make yourself that little bit less attractive – because they’re platonic friends and you don’t want to sleep with them, so unconsciously you tone down your natural feminine power and beauty to a level where you cease to attract the attention from these men you don’t want them to give you.

Your body becomes used to this toning down effect and learns it so that when you do go out on dates it doesn’t know what level of femininity to present. This is not to say that platonic male friends are a bad thing for women, just that we always need to be aware of our interaction with the others. Every interaction with another has a sexual element to it. So just be aware of what level of sexuality you want to project and turns the filters on or off accordingly.

Your body yearns to be taken by the masculine and to be met at its deepest level of the soul. If you try to get that need met by platonic male relationships, you are constantly frustrating yourself. In effect you are only filling yourself up half way and at a deeper level you will always feel unfulfilled. So make a conscious choice about where and how you get your needs from men met and choose to bring all of your femininity to your meetings with men. Then it is more likely that when you bring your full feminine, you will be met by the full masculine and both male and female will find the deep sense of wholeness which comes from that sacred union of polar opposites.

Love her belly

Sadly our distorted Western culture has taught us that to be attractive we have to look a certain way. Not only does this dishonour the deeper truth of who we are but on another level it discourages us from expressing ourselves through our bodies in a full and healthy way. One of the ways in which our societies distorts the body image, especially in the feminine is to hold up the image of the stomach held in as one which we are supposed to believe is attractive. The immature masculine concept of the feminine holds that a sucked-in stomach is something to be desired and admired. The good news, ladies, is that this is an incredibly unhealthy belief and one which I hope to go some way to dispel here.

Feel Joy and Sadness Through the Belly

In holding our stomachs in, we are using a very successful method of restricting and controlling our emotions. A contracted belly is one which does not allow for the full expression of feelings. Think about a time when we allowed ourselves to cry – to really cry and release through our tears. In those moments our belly is heaving, as we breathe into it and release the sadness or grief which is held in our bodies. Think about a time when you have had a really good laugh. Again the belly is expanded – it’s not called a “belly laugh” for nothing!

The Importance of the Belly

Not only are our emotions held in the belly, aligned with the second chakra in Eastern philosophy, but also our intuition is held there too. We may have a “gut feeling” about someone or something. We can feel in our guts some unspoken thing and this is especially true for women who have a heightened sense of this awareness. Again, holding our stomach contacted deadens and disconnects us from that sense of intuition.

It is in this area too, in the woman, that life is created. The womb sits in the same area. Here is where our deeply held desires have their conception. It is where we carry them and, again sometimes in the case of women, life itself in the form of the foetus/embryo. This area is the home of our creativity, again held in the second chakra.

The Belly and Sex

The belly (second chakra) is also the seat of our sexuality. Pornographic and media imagery of women portrays the flat stomach as something sexually desirable. Sadly this could not be further from the truth. Having a belly is a sign of a mature woman – so, ladies: learn to love your belly! Its roundness implies a fullness and openness to the true mature feminine which the mature masculine truly desires. Having no belly is the sign of an adolescent girl. If your belly is withdrawn and sucked in cuts, you will cut yourself off from your sexuality by disconnecting your heart from your pelvis. How can a you soften into the melting richness of your feminine if you hold your belly in? It’s no coincidence that Victorian ladies wore corsets. It served to strap up and suppress their sexual desires. Perhaps a looseness of belly implied a looseness of moral character. We have ditched corsetry for the most part but sadly have retained the imagery of the constrained belly as desirable.

This image of the sucked in stomach as being desirable can be connected with the immature masculine. An immature man does not want a woman in her full creativity, in her full sexuality, in her full power. It makes him feel very threatened and small. But a mature man values these aspects of the feminine in all her glory and welcomes them. If you want to attract a man who is truly in his masculine, don’t be afraid to let your belly be soft and round. Real men will love it!

Breathing

If your stomach is held in, you cannot breathe properly. Air is drawn into the lungs but the diaphragm cannot push downwards and so a full intake of breathe cannot be achieved. This constriction stops us connecting with our emotions, our sexuality. It also creates a disconnect between the upper chakras and the lower chakras. If we don’t breathe properly, we can often find that we may have full movement of energy in our base three chakras, and a good flow of energy in the highest three chakras, but there is a block somewhere between them that stops them connecting. Of course the heart (being at the level of the lungs) also cannot connect fully with the genitals if we do not allow our breath to go beyond the lungs and drop down in to the belly and ultimately into the genitals themselves.

Softening the Belly – A Simple Exercise

Stand upright with your feet about shoulder width apart. Breather through an open mouth, taking long, slow breathes down into the belly. Do not force the breath but be aware of how deep you allow it to go. Allow the knees to be soft and slightly bent. Bounce lightly with the knees, allowing them to soften, keeping your feet firmly grounded on the floor. Let the bouncing move gently up your body until you feel it soften your pelvis too. Continue to allow this to soften and then bring that softening up to the belly. Give the muscles of your belly a rest! Allow them to relax so that your belly becomes soft and rounded. Fill it with air from your in-breath and gently expel it. Again, do not force the breath just allow it to enter the belly, fill it and leave it as you exhale.

As you do this exercise, be aware of how deeply you allow yourself to breathe. Notice any tensions you carry in your belly. Does your belly distend and become rounded and softer? How does having a round belly make you feel about yourself? There’s no need to do anything about this, don’t make any judgements you have about this wrong, simply observe how it feels to allow your body to do this and how you feel about yourself in this place.

The Belly Beautiful

Allow yourself to be more fully in your feminine by loving your belly, just as it is. Show your femininity by breathing into your belly and letting it become soft and round. Feel yourself more fully though the beautiful roundedness of your belly. Only when the belly is in its fullness can you also be in the fullness of your feminine grace, softness and beauty. Stepping more deeply into this soft feminine through engagement with your belly will help you attract more masculine men into your life.

Relationship as gate-keeper

Some relationships last a life time. Most, however, do not. The relationship is a mirror for where we are in our life and on our journey. If we can see relationship not as a statement about how the Other is but as a reflection of ourselves it can serve as an illuminating mirror to show us more about who we are at that time.

Every relationship is a lesson in love, sometimes a painful one. We may engage fully in love with the Other and then reach a point where the lesson is learnt and it is time to move on.

If you’re in relationship, look at your partner. Observe what attracts you to them. These are reflections of your own state of being right now. The wonderful things you see in your partner are also present in you. Now look at what stops them opening fully into love with you. These parts, too, are reflections of you. What part of yourself is stopping you from opening fully into love?

It may be that you have been lucky enough to find someone with whom you will spend the rest of your life. But, practically speaking, the chances are that you are in a relationship which will not endure. Don’t despair. I don’t mean to be negative, but to highlight how valuable these relationships can be if entered into with awareness.

Each person we attract into our lives in relationship (and that includes friendships and work relationships as well as intimate lovers) serves to show us something of ourselves. Each relationship is a lesson in love. In each relationship there is a psychic contract. Look at your relationship and ask yourself what is the lesson that you have (probably unconsciously) agreed to teach each other in this relationship. It may be that you have agreed to explore your sexuality more fully, or to test the trustability of a partner, learning along the way what behaviours bring you closer to this sense of trust, and which pull you away from it. Whatever the lesson, become aware of it and work to honour it in relationship.

If a relationship has run its course, and the lesson is learnt, it’s time to move on. If it no longer honours who you are or have become, it’s time to move on. If it no longer serves your higher good, it’s time to move on.

Ideally each new relationship builds on the last. The lessons of the previous relationships are incorporated into the new one and additional ones learnt. From a developmental perspective, each level of development includes and transcends the previous one.

Sometimes relationships endure, most don’t. In many relationships the Other can serve as a Gate-Keeper. You meet them on your path. You walk together for a while, then part company, the relationship having naturally served its purpose and having reached a natural conclusion. If the Other is a Gate-Keeper for you, he or she will take you forward in some way. You will become expanded, learning new lessons on your way and in learning these lessons, new possibilities arise. You will see new ways of being. The Other can show you this gateway which opens to a wonderful new world of possibility. But the Other cannot always walk with you into this new place. If they hold the key to the gate, that is if they show you this new way of being without being able to model it themselves, then they are a Gate-Keeper. Allow them to show you the way, but know that they cannot come with you through this gate. If this is the case, it may be that the relationship has served its purpose and it may no longer serve you to continue in it. Do not become angry with the Other for not being able to continue on your journey with you. Of course they can’t come with you; they are a Gate-Keeper, if they move on too they can no longer stand by the gate. So honour them for showing you the gate, bless them and move on, thanking them for their generosity.

In this way we can allow ourselves to move on from relationship and honour it, acknowledging the blessings that it brought us while still recognising that it was time to move on.

Lower your centre of gravity

Following on from my recent blog on the feminine belly, here are some further thoughts expanding on this (see my blog “Love Her Belly!”).

The masculine belly also needs to be fully expressed. Constriction of the musculature around the navel and at the top of the pelvis is the cause of the pot belly which so many men sport these days. If you breathe fully into the belly and soften the muscles, the shape of the belly will change (sorry guys, this isn’t a cure for drinking too much beer or eating too much, but it’ll help you redevelop a healthier shape for your stomach)as well as reconnect you with some energies in your lower chakras which you’ve probably been blocking.

The constricted belly is also another sign of the disconnection between man and nature. Western philosophy has stressed the important of logic and of the mind. Most of what we cherish in the Western world is a product of either the mind or the hands. This focus on the upper parts of the body raises the energetic centre of gravity of the body. Whilst this has some obvious benefits, the downside is that this raising of the centre of gravity disconnects us from our lower body. The effects of this are disastrous. It encourages a disconnection from our sex and sexuality (as discussed previously – see blog “Love Her Belly!”), a disconnection between head and belly/genitals and between heart and genitals/sex. This disconnect between heart and genitals is responsible for much of the distorted imagery of sexuality that we hold in our society, which tends to objectify sex and especially women in a sexual context. If our sexuality is expressed in connection with our heart, there can be no objectification. With this connection re-established much of the abuse and disrespect which our society experiences would cease. This is one reason that I am so passionate about this work . I believe that in doing our own sexual healing, we not only heal our own wounds but also the wounds around sexuality of the collective unconscious.

This societal focus on the mind and hands also disconnects us from our feet. This leads to a lack of grounding. Many people in the “spiritual” community can tend to be very much up and out of their bodies a lot of the time. They can tend to give attention to the spiritual but not the temporal. We exist in our bodies. A philosophy which tends to deny this, as many Eastern philosophies do by encouraging us to transcend the body, denies an essential part of our humanity. We may be “spiritual beings having a human experience” – but a big part of that experience is about being in our bodies. Any denial of this creates an unhealthy disconnect between mind and body. This is what Ken Wilbur refers to as the Centaur stage. The centaur is the mythical beast part horse, part man. We can often operate as two different entities – spiritual and physical, ignoring the needs of one or the other. But body and spirit both have needs and ignoring them will lead eventually to one form of existential crisis or another.

One of the more drastic consequences of this identification with the mind and upper body is that we lose our sense of groundedness. This is not only unhealthy for ourselves but also for our environment at large. Not feeling our connection with the earth disconnects us from our feet, our roots and ultimately from nature itself. Maybe this has been exacerbated in part by the Judaeo- Christian philosophy as expressed in Genesis: “Then God said, “Let us make man in our image, after our likeness; and let them have dominion over the fish of the sea, and over the birds of the air, and over the cattle, and over all the earth, and over every creeping thing that creeps upon the earth.”” This sense of having “dominion over” the other animals seems to set man “above” the animals. As soon as you create a two tiered structure you create a “superior” and an “inferior”. This sense of superiority can so easily lead to an objectification of that which is held to be inferior.

So, I encourage you all to bring your awareness down into our bodies, reconnect to your lower chakras, to your feet and to the earth itself, which ultimately supports us all, both physically and nutritionally. In the end even man made things come from the earth. Plastics are made from hydrocarbons which use oil based chemicals which come from plant matter millions of years old. Apart from the odd lump of meteorite there is nothing on the earth which is not from the earth. Anything which thus disconnects us from our sense of connection to it disconnects us from ourselves at a very core level.

A Simple Exercise
Stand with your feet about 8-10 inches apart. Allow your knees to soften and gently bend slightly. Make sure your feet are parallel to one another and bring your weight forward a little so that without lifting your heels off the floor, you are putting most of your weight on the balls of your feet. Now slowly and softly bend the knees and then straighten half a dozen times.

As you do this, breathing softly through an open mouth, breathing down into your belly, then lower down – into your genitals and finally breathe down into your feet and into the earth beneath you. Feel a sense of your connectedness to the earth, imagine your centre of gravity dropping lower in your body so that you are really present, grounded and have a “weightiness” that feels solid and sturdy.

Doing this exercise regularly or when you feel “light-headed” or stressed will help to bring you back down and give you a feeling of security and solidity which is much needed to balance the spiritual. Only once we have a strong sense of our physical self and a knowing that we are grounded in this earth can we truly experience in a full and healthy way the delights of the spiritual.

The shape of a woman

Oceanic Bliss
The natural state of the feminine is to be in her flow. In her true state, she is oceanic bliss. So often they do not allow themselves to experience this blissful state of fluidity but when they do, they are deep, mysterious, ever-changing, sometimes dangerous, sometimes serene, powerful and changeable. At some point the tide will be coming in. This may be a woman’s “Yes!” At another time the tide will be going out. This may be the woman’s “No!”

We simple, much more linear men, can get very confused by this. “What do you mean – No? Yesterday you said Yes to the same question!” This ever-changing nature can confuse and frighten some men. The truth is that the feminine is much more present in the moment than the masculine. She is a state of energy in motion and as such, her Yes’s and No’s may change in each moment. But this doesn’t make them any less true. When her tide is coming in – it’s a Yes. When it’s going out, it’s a No. Men: we may true to stand in the way of this tidal flow…but I wouldn’t recommend it. The oceanic state of the feminine will do whatever is right for her in each moment.

Too often this changeability is too much for a smaller man to handle. When a woman is in her full flow, she is in her power. This scares some men, so they try to limit her. Men who are not in their full masculine will often try to block, dam or channel the feminine into some path, some lesser flow that suits them and feels less threatening. If a woman allows this she allows an essential part of herself to be reduced and her power fades in that moment.

Women & Boundaries
Sometimes a woman may be disconnected from her feminine flow. This may be because she does not have a strong sense of herself, a sense of who she is as a fully powerful, mature woman. This unclear sense of self is sadly very frequent and is especially true of those who have experienced sexual abuse, particularly in childhood. This can manifest as having unclear boundaries, particularly around their sexuality.

A woman must be clear about her Yes’s and No’s, otherwise she can too easily find herself in situations, especially sexually, where she is behaving in ways which her body, heart or emotions do not want. Since Western society prizes the mind above all things it ignores feelings, intuition and the body.

This disconnect from the body, coupled with unclear sense of boundaries can lead people (and in this society women are doubly susceptible) into situations which they later regret or may even sometimes be unsafe. Men can be very good at exerting pressure on women to perform sexual acts which they may not feel comfortable doing but don’t feel able to say no to. So, learning our own personal boundaries is essential to having healthy interactions with others, even if it is just a brief sexual encounter.

The Water & the Ice Tray
Sometimes women without a clear sense of self look to others to create it for them. Again this is often true sexually. A woman lacking her own sense of self and being unclear about her boundaries may look to her partner to create them for her.

In this situation I see the woman in her natural state a fluid, she is water, flowing and changing. But being unclear of her own boundaries she pours herself into the container created by the masculine. If this is an unhealthy exchange the man may seek to limit her. The image I use for this is of water being poured into an ice cube tray. The feminine is in her flow, but being unclear of boundaries looks to the man to provide them. Instead of giving her freedom, he pours her into a container which he defines himself – the ice cube tray. Allowing herself to become limited by the man, she becomes frozen. She is no longer in her own flow but she is so relieved to have some sense of boundaries that she accepts this static, frozen position. But the limits are not set by her, but my the man. She has given away her power. The man is controlling her, but in limiting her he denies both himself and her the joy of experiencing a woman in her full power and the beauty of a woman in her flow.

The Wine & the Wine Glass
However, it is true that in order for the feminine to fully be in her flow, she needs to feel safely contained. A woman will hold herself up until she feels able to relax into her flow with a man who creates a safe enough container for her. But men: this does not mean limiting the woman.

For a healthier analogy of the masculine creating a safe container for feminine I like to think of a wine glass. The masculine is the wine glass, creating a safe environment for the woman. It is solid, has a firm base and can hold whatever the woman brings.

The woman, of course, is the wine. Poured into the glass, she retains her fluid state but is safely held. To savour a really good wine you must allow it to breathe. A fine wine must be given the freedom to move in the glass so that all its richness and subtleties can shine forth. To bring out the flavour of a good wine you do not stopper it, the wine glass has no lid on it. The feminine can move within the glass, in a swirl of her own richness. She has space to breathe and in doing so will release the subtle delights which only a woman can offer.

So, although a woman needs a safe container to feel free enough to move, she is not to stopped up or frozen, otherwise she will lose her essential fluidity and disconnect from her feminine. Like a fine wine, a woman should never be frozen or limited.

Primal fears and avoidant behaviours

I’ve written a lot about mature masculine and mature feminine but today I want to talk more about what stops us stepping more fully into those roles and how we can become more aware and empower ourselves to embrace who we truly are and not to remain constrained by our limiting beliefs and historic woundings.

Pulsation of Life
Our natural state of being is one of pulsation. As human organisms, we pulsate. Most notably we can notice this in our heartbeat, our lungs, our digestive system, the cerebral spinal fluid amongst others. This state of pulsation is part of what defines us as living beings. Wilhelm Reich, father of Body Psychotherapy called it the pulsation of life. Every living thing has these pulsations.

This pulsation consists of two elements: expansion and contraction. For example, the lungs expand with air as we inhale and then contract or return to a less expanded state as we exhale. These states of expansion and contraction also correspond with the two aspects of the autonomic nervous system within the body: the para-sympathetic nervous system (expansion) and the sympathetic nervous system (contraction).

It is not only our body organs which expand and contract in this way. We can also say that as whole organisms we expand and contract in relation to our external reality. Expansion is a sense of moving towards the world to meet it, contraction is a sense of withdrawing, moving away from the world.

In even more simple terms we can define expansion as love, and contraction as fear. So part of the work of healing and developing awareness is to notice when we are in a place of fear and when we are in a place of love.

Primal Brain Fears
Fear triggers the sympathetic nervous system which is responsible for our survival. This is a very effective evolutionary mechanism which has helped us to survive through-out millennia. However, today, since most of us do not face survival-level threats on a regular basis, this system is over-active and often serves to limit us rather than protect us.

In emotional terms our primal brain, which is responsible for our survival, kicks in when we feel the perceived threat of emotionally uncomfortable feelings. These are core feelings which can lead to a sense of survival threat. These fears which feel so threatening are:

Powerlessness                Betrayal
Worthlessness                Rejection
Shame                              Abandonment

Each of these feelings may trigger a fear-based reaction, an avoidant behaviour, stimulating the sympathetic nervous system into action and effectively closing us off emotionally and intimately from the world and others.

Avoidant Behaviours – Primal Brain Reactions
When our body perceives a life-threatening situation our sympathetic nervous system kicks in and as part of its evolutionary defence mechanism, it directs us into one of five different reactions. Most people know two of these (fight or flight). These reactions were first defined by American psychologist Walter Bradford Cannon as early as 1915, and have been developed since. The five reactions are:

Fight               Detach
Flight              Tend & befriend
Freeze

So when we find ourselves in a situation which we imagine at some level may trigger us to feel one on the unbearable feelings (abandonment, shame, etc) we will tend to go into our fear-based reaction (contraction), instead of responding from a place of love (expansion).

The journey to our Self is one of awareness and compassion – hence my two guiding principles 1) be aware 2) be gentle with yourself. This is a daily practice. It is only by becoming aware of our own fear-based reactions that we can conquer them and begin to move into a place of love and expansion.

How Does This Work in Relationships?
This is a very brief description of a significant part of the healing process for many of us (if not all). And I have described it in relation to ourselves as individuals. But what happens when we bring another into the equation? Inevitably things become more complicated!

When we sit in fear, we are not in our mature masculine/feminine positions. In relational terms, both male and female need to be able to sit with these uncomfortable emotions. Then we can remain open (expanded) to the other.

One way we can define the essence of the mature masculine is presence. The mature feminine is about love. By staying with the challenging feelings which we experience as a result of perceived threat, we can remain open to the relationship rather than withdraw from it. So, man can invite a woman to step into her mature feminine through presence. A woman can invite a man to step into his mature masculine through love.

This is a difficult and challenging journey to our Self and to remain open in relationship with the Other but it is only through increased awareness of the natural state of expansion and contraction that we experience in life that we can hope to grow and evolve.