Practices for generating and moving sexual energy

Sexual issues basically come in two flavours: not enough sexual energy or too much sexual energy. What do I mean by “sexual energy”? We could also describe this as “erotic charge” – how aroused we get, how readily we are turned on, how sensitive our genitals are to touch and so on. Using the breath we can cultivate and direct the necessary erotic charge to remedy either of these imbalances.

Let’s look first at not having enough sexual energy. If this is the case we need to charge up our sexual centre, the pelvis, with an erotic charge. To do this is simple enough – we need to focus on our inhalation. When we breathe in, we take energy/nourishment in – oxygen is what sustains us, after all, and keeps us alive.

By emphasising the in-breath we can increase the amount of energy we take in. This makes sense physiologically because our muscles need oxygen to work – the more oxygen they have (within sensible limits) the more efficiently they can work. When muscles have greater supply of oxygen they receive more blood supply, more nutrients and this in turn leads to greater nerve sensitivity – just what you want if your genitals are feeling a bit numbed out.

When you combine this focus on your inhalation with moving your pelvic floor muscles you create a powerful energy charge. As you inhale, tighten your pelvic floor muscles. You can also imagine that you’re drawing up energy from the ground, through your legs, although if this seems too esoteric for you don’t worry about it. The most important thing is to focus on your inhalation and clenching your pelvic floor muscles simultaneously. It may seem a bit complicated at first but its just like driving – all that “mirror, signal, manoeuvre” activity seems baffling to begin with, but after a while it becomes second nature.

Keep practicing this and when you’ve become used to it, after a few minutes you should notice that you genitals feel more alive and have more energy in them.

For cases where there is too much sexual energy we may want to move that energy around our bodies. So, in these cases we need to do the opposite of the above.

To discharge the energy, focus on your out-breath. Instead of clenching your pelvic floor muscles on the inhale, tighten them when you exhale. As you tighten them, you can also imagine your sexual energy moving up your spine and into your brain (this is the path your orgasm will take) so by visualising this you help your body become orgasmic too. You might like to imagine your pelvic floor muscles like a trampoline, bouncing the energy up your spine as you exhale.

These exercises will help if you have problems experiencing orgasm or simply to help you generate and move your sexual energy. If your genitals don’t have enough feeling, try the inhale/clench process. If your problem is that your genitals become too sensitive and you don’t release the energy with an orgasm, then focus on the exhale/clench process. Either way, balancing your sexual energy is the key to having a good relationship with it.

On beauty and body image

“Beauty is truth, truth beauty,” – that is all
Ye know on earth, and all ye need to know”

(John Keats, Ode to a Grecian Urn, 1819)

For some time now, I have been reflecting on this in the context of sexuality and relationship. It seems to me that the only way to have a truly intimate relationship is by being truthful, wholly authentic. By sharing our inner most feelings and vulnerabilities as they arise in each moment, authentically and from the heart, we make ourselves truly available for relationship. The word relationship means to relate one’s experience to another and it is in doing so that we reveal our true self to the other. When we relate our experience authentically in each moment we make ourselves available for love. The more we reveal of ourselves, the more we make available to be loved.

It also seems to me that if beauty is truth, then there is also a real, true and deep beauty in being exactly how we are physically as well. In my practise, I hear so many stories of women who feel uncomfortable with a part (or all) of their bodies. They frequently tell me how they don’t feel good enough, how they don’t measure up to some socially constructed “ideal” of beauty which would have them look or act a certain, prescribed way, especially sexually.

A lot of the imagery which women have in their minds comes from social media and, in relation to sexuality, from pornographic images, either the mainstream media depiction of female sexuality or of more hardcore material.

These images are not real. They are airbrushed and controlled, manipulated and filtered, revealing more about the prejudice of the photographer and his audience than about the subjects themselves. There is no truth here, just an ersatz interpretation of the female form, usually defined my male fantasy. And if truth is absent, then so is beauty.

For me, beauty is authenticity. It is a woman who can stand up and say, this is who I am, wrinkles and all. In connecting with that sense of self worth which arises from loving yourself, no matter what your physical or emotional state, we connect with a deeper and truer beauty than any artificial fantasy image. As a man, the most attractive thing to me is a woman who accepts herself exactly as she is, who loves herself whatever her shape or age or emotional state and when I witness that, I am truly moved. To me, that is beauty.